Empty Nest. Full Heart.

By Renee Lyn Brown

As 2021 dawned, I was deeply evaluating the various categories of my life. Not surprisingly, I found myself reflecting on my two young adult sons in their twenties.

They were just one-and-a-half and two-and-a-half years old when I divorced their dad. I essentially raised them on my own. Yes, it was grueling, and no, I don’t regret it. I had no idea I was capable of the immense growth required to surmount such a Herculean task. No one really knows their fortitude until they're pushed off a cliff.

Sometimes I think about those years and have to really convince myself they were real. I survived it and ended up raising two quality humans that I am exceptionally proud of.

When you have kids who have been through their parents’ divorce, you wonder how they will be affected, relationship-wise. Did it scar them too much? Would they be cynical about love or marriage in their own journey?

In the days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I met Christina, my youngest son Zachary’s girlfriend, for the first time. They met online via an app called Discord, which allows you to join groups to chat about mutual interests. While they had been dating for almost a year now, she lives a few states away, so this was her first time visiting Minneapolis. They met in person over the summer and impressively kept up a long-distance relationship.

This is Zachary’s first real, long-term relationship. I was filled with excitement and curiosity, wondering what this girlfriend would be like. Would she fit into our weird little family? Would the evening be completely awkward?

Growing up, the boys had a natural desire to caretake their mom. They somehow understood that I was carrying the day-to-day load for both parents, and they recognized that it was a hard road.

This devotion to me led to the natural desire to treat their partners exceptionally well. I remember talking to them about how to make their future girlfriends feel accepted and worthy. If she ever asked if a clothing item made her body look big, he was to look her straight in the eye and say, “I think you are beautiful,” with no comment on her body.

When they were in kindergarten and 2nd grade, I sat them down to talk about personal finance and how it works – you have a job, you get a paycheck, then each month, you take that money and sort it out to pay your bills. I was always candid and open about the importance of fiscal responsibility.

It worked! Both boys are very good with their money. They spend less than they make, they save, and they are still generous. They came to understand this was an area of difficulty for their dad, and they wanted to choose a different path.

As it turns out, Christina was very sweet and a bit shy. I fell in love with her immediately. My recently married older son Sam and his wife Rachel joined us along with my boyfriend. (Is that the word to use when you are 57? It seems so weird!)

Now witnessing both boys with their partners, I see the tenderness, the loving touch, the concerted effort to be present and mindful.

At some point during dinner, I sat back in my chair and just felt such joy and satisfaction well up inside of me. To watch your children with their beloveds, to witness their utter happiness as they interact with their partner is a new experience, and I am here for it! 

I had watched it for eight years with Sam and Rachel before they married last summer. I have deep admiration for their relationship, and, to be honest, I am pretty inspired by it.

I openly share why some of my relationships haven’t worked out and my part in that. I am also frank that every relationship has ebbs and flows, and if you are committed to your partner, you ride out those dips and know that it will soon turn for the better. 

They love that I am in a long-term relationship that brings me such joy. I know they can relax and not worry about their mom as much when I’m in a healthy, committed partnership. 

Lately, I’ve been working on slowing down, sitting in silence, and truly appreciating the simple yet vibrant joys that are around us at all times. 

Now I can sit back and observe my sons, who need me in a completely different way. Every time I speak to my kids, or even better, get to hang out with both of them, I feel the deepest level of love that I never knew was in me. I imagine how intensely this will grow as my boys experience the best of life down the road. 

And I say to myself, “well done, woman!”