It's Time for the Menopause Sex Talk

By Natalie Waltz

I had my first real birds and the bees talk with my mom last year, right before my 30th birthday. I learned from a friend some outrageous facts about how prevalent the sexual health side effects of menopause are. I almost didn’t believe it. Things like 90% of post-menopausal women can experience painful sex due to vaginal dryness and atrophy, leading nearly 50% of women to give up on their sex lives altogether in their fifties. 

For reasons I’ll never quite understand, I hung up the phone and immediately texted my mom. Without context, I wrote, “Hey, do you or your friends have pain or discomfort during sex?” To which she replied, “HAHAHAHA…” for at least a full 30 seconds.

But once we got over the absurdity of the question, we had a really sobering conversation. My mother knew exactly what was happening to her body. She admitted it was not just physical but deeply emotional, too. I was stunned.

“Not only was I talking to my Muslim, Middle Eastern mother about sex for the first time, but I was ashamed that even though I talk to her every single day, I had no idea she was hurting.”

Then I became obsessed. Truly. I talked to anyone and everyone who would give me the time of day, from my aunts, family friends, and future mother-in-law to OB-GYNs, therapists, and midwives. Most of my conversations with women ended in tears. Discussions around failed treatments for vaginal dryness and atrophy inevitably led to how they felt embarrassed, invisible. Like they were losing a part of themselves.

But there was one phrase and a rather simple idea that I heard over and over again that truly rocked my world: “Use it or lose it.”

I listened as physician after physician, therapist after therapist recommended that peri-to post-menopausal women go out and buy a vibrator, lubricant, and commit to a sexual wellness routine. These “tools'' help strengthen your vaginal muscles, improve natural lubrication, and provide a host of physical and emotional benefits.

While historically, I may have been uncomfortable talking about sex, I, of course, knew that sexual health was a part of overall health. I recognized that wouldn’t just magically disappear with age. However, I didn’t realize how therapeutic and healing it could be as we got older. This was something that needed to be shared.

“My mom can’t say the word “vibrator” out loud let alone feel comfortable buying one online.”

So, I started Tabu. While we sell products to support your sexual wellness routine, we stand for a lot more. And I owe that to my mom.

People often say to me, “I could never talk to my mom about that.” And believe me, I get that. The woman who raised me never gave me the green light to use tampons and wouldn’t let me shave my thighs until I was in high school. We could talk about anything in this world except sex.

But somehow, things changed. The context of the conversation this time mattered, and the idea that we could help people think of sex and pleasure differently — during a time when you feel nothing like yourself one day and more sure of your ways than ever the next — was everything.

And now, my mom is my guide. She’s the first person I call to ask a design question or run a messaging line by. She’s honest (brutally honest, in fact), and I know from 30 years of experience that her gut is almost always right.

I know Tabu means more because the beautiful, private, conservative woman I get to call Momma not only gave me her blessing, but put her face to it. Imagine that. A year ago, we’d never talked about sex, and now she’s starring in Tabu’s unboxing video.

I can assure you it’s still not easy for my parents to explain what their daughter does for a living to friends and relatives, but honestly, it’s been the most rewarding ride. That out-of-the-blue, wonderfully taboo question led to a conversation I wouldn’t trade for the world. I truly feel closer to my mom (and all the women in my life) than I ever have before. 

If you’re a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or friend thinking about how to get the conversation started with a loved one, here are three tips:

1. Write a personal note. Make your note about what you’ve learned about sexual wellness. Say why it’s essential (especially as we age), and how a self-care routine isn’t complete without the tools to support our sexual health. I certainly wouldn’t assume anything about your lucky recipient’s menopause experience or intimate relationships. Your gift is about empowering her with information and making her feel seen. It’s also important to note that a sexual wellness routine is appropriate whether or not someone is in a relationship. Like our skin, hair, and exercise routines, it’s about investing in the right tools to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
   

2. Encourage her to open it in private. Don’t give it to her in front of others to make sure she doesn’t get caught off guard. Either catch her alone and open it with her; or, tell her to open it in private later. This doesn’t have to be horribly awkward. You can blame it on the fact that there’s a lot of reading material – between your epic note (see point one) and the educational booklet inside every Tabu kit. You want to make sure she has the time and space to read it all at once.
   

3. Follow up with a conversation. A week or so later, start a conversation. Ask her what she thought of the gift, how surprised she was to open it, and see where the conversation goes. It may surprise you.